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Not knowing what to eat..!

By Robert Clements. Dated: 3/13/2018 11:52:48 PM

With this government intent on converting everybody into vegetarians, my neighbour a diehard non- vegetarian decided he would become a veggie. “One might as well get used to something before it takes you by total surprise,” he said as he looked up a mango tree, “I have told my cook to cook those leaves for lunch!”
“That’s a mango tree,” I said, “You eat the fruit and not the leaves.”
“You can’t put those leaves into a curry?”
“Only raw mangoes,” I said, “you eat the ripe ones raw and cook the raw ones!”
“This is very confusing,” said my neighbour as he scratched his head and stared at the ripe mangoes on the tree. “What happens if I eat the leaves?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“What happens if I ate the raw mangoes raw and put the ripe mangoes into a curry?”
“No idea,” I said helplessly.
“What about cauliflower?”
“What about it?” I asked.
“Do I eat it cooked or uncooked?”
“You can’t eat it uncooked,” I said disgustedly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know,” said my neighbour, now beginning to look a little worried, “What about this fruit?”
“It’s a carrot,” I said, “it’s not a fruit it’s a root, which is eaten as a vegetable!”
“A root eaten like a vegetable but not a vegetable?” asked my neighbour, “so its allowed isn’t it. I mean as a vegetarian I can eat it?”
“Sure you can,” I said patting him on the back.
“This vegetarianism business is going to be a long journey,” he said. “is it okay if I eat this vegetable?”
“It’s not a vegetable,” I said looking at the onion he was holding out to me.
“It’s a fruit?”
“No,” I said.
“Let me guess, it’s a root?”
“No,” I said, “it’s a bulb!”
“A bulb,” said my neighbour throwing the onion away, “dammit I don’t want to get electrocuted chewing a bulb! I thought being a vegetarian was safe?”
“It is,” I said.
“And do you eat the bulb cooked?”
“Raw,” I said patiently.
“I think I need expert advice before I get into this vegetarian business!”
“I agree,” I said as I watched him go to his phone.
“Do you know a good lawyer?”
“Lawyer?” I asked.
“Yes, some expert who’ll advice me the do and don’ts of what to eat and what not to eat.
I don’t want to be dragged in front of the esteemed judges for eating non-vegetarian food again without knowing it..!
bobsbanter@gmail.com